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What are you hearing that’s not being said?
I love a powerful question, and this one hit me right between the eyes as I was listening to a conversation between Jerry Colonna and Tim Ferriss on his podcast recently. I went to bed and woke up thinking about this question; I caught myself pondering it while in the shower and on a long drive, and I’m still thinking about it many days after I first heard Jerry share it. He’d heard it from one of his fans years ago, and it had stuck with him in the same way it’s still sticking with me.
In development coaching, we are often working with clients to uncover the story they are telling themselves to challenge the narrative that may be holding them back from achieving their intended goals. I’ve always loved the question, “What story are you telling yourself?” and I often pose it to myself when I’m feeling defensive or stuck or just frustrated with a situation. I remember an instance where I’d sent an email to a potential partner on a business idea asking for some feedback on the draft proposal I had spent hours crafting. Several days went by with no response from her, and I began to have this strong emotional response, thinking that she must not have liked it; I’d gotten it all wrong; it was so bad she didn’t even know how to tell me how bad it was and on and on. I was in a full-on shame spiral, assuming that the relationship might be wrecked forever. It’s laughable now as I type this, but it felt pretty all-consuming at the time. Nine days went by before I finally had the courage to shoot her a follow-up note to check-in. She responded immediately, apologizing for not getting back to me as she had a tight deadline on another big project, but she loved what I’d sent over and offered a few very helpful tweaks. I’d built up this whole story in my head around why she hadn’t responded to my original note, and all for nothing.
Jerry’s question, “What are you hearing that’s not being said?” is an even more powerful way to get at the stories we tell ourselves, especially the ones that aren’t serving us. It reminded me of a conversation I had recently with Irene Gardner, former USA Rugby Player and now rugby coach at Stanford. Irene went to school at the University of California, Berkeley, for Nutrition, holds a bachelor’s and master’s degree in nutrition, and is a registered dietitian and sports nutritionist who’s worked in the field for over a decade. When she got the full-time job coaching at Standford, she was convinced her mom would not respond well and would pressure her. She thought her mom would say, “Well, you're not going to do nutrition anymore. You worked so hard in school to become a dietitian. You're not going to give up the career that you've been doing for 12 years.” She started to smile as she recounted this moment when she finally told her mom, “But you know what my mom said to me? She said, ‘What will your Cal friends think?’” Irene laughed and said this was such a good reminder that her parents love her no matter what she’s doing, and all the worry she’d had around her mom’s potential response to her new career was all in her head.
The next time you’re having a strong reaction to a situation or feeling stuck, try this question on and ask yourself “What am I hearing that’s not being said?” And then give those answers a little reality check to assess the real risk. More often than not, we’ve built up a story in our head that is unlikely to come to fruition with the full force we’re giving it.
If you could use a little more support and want to learn about how we approach development coaching to help individuals navigate major transitions in life, drop us a line at The Next Playbook to chat about your goals.
-Derika
P.S. To hear the full conversation with Irene, join us at The Next Playbook Podcast and sign up for our Newsletter to hear about new posts. You can also follow us on social media via Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn.
What are you hearing that’s not being said?
I love a powerful question, and this one hit me right between the eyes as I was listening to a conversation between Jerry Colonna and Tim Ferriss on his podcast recently. I went to bed and woke up thinking about this question; I caught myself pondering it while in the shower and on a long drive, and I’m still thinking about it many days after I first heard Jerry share it. He’d heard it from one of his fans years ago, and it had stuck with him in the same way it’s still sticking with me.
In development coaching, we are often working with clients to uncover the story they are telling themselves to challenge the narrative that may be holding them back from achieving their intended goals. I’ve always loved the question, “What story are you telling yourself?” and I often pose it to myself when I’m feeling defensive or stuck or just frustrated with a situation. I remember an instance where I’d sent an email to a potential partner on a business idea asking for some feedback on the draft proposal I had spent hours crafting. Several days went by with no response from her, and I began to have this strong emotional response, thinking that she must not have liked it; I’d gotten it all wrong; it was so bad she didn’t even know how to tell me how bad it was and on and on. I was in a full-on shame spiral, assuming that the relationship might be wrecked forever. It’s laughable now as I type this, but it felt pretty all-consuming at the time. Nine days went by before I finally had the courage to shoot her a follow-up note to check-in. She responded immediately, apologizing for not getting back to me as she had a tight deadline on another big project, but she loved what I’d sent over and offered a few very helpful tweaks. I’d built up this whole story in my head around why she hadn’t responded to my original note, and all for nothing.
Jerry’s question, “What are you hearing that’s not being said?” is an even more powerful way to get at the stories we tell ourselves, especially the ones that aren’t serving us. It reminded me of a conversation I had recently with Irene Gardner, former USA Rugby Player and now rugby coach at Stanford. Irene went to school at the University of California, Berkeley, for Nutrition, holds a bachelor’s and master’s degree in nutrition, and is a registered dietitian and sports nutritionist who’s worked in the field for over a decade. When she got the full-time job coaching at Standford, she was convinced her mom would not respond well and would pressure her. She thought her mom would say, “Well, you're not going to do nutrition anymore. You worked so hard in school to become a dietitian. You're not going to give up the career that you've been doing for 12 years.” She started to smile as she recounted this moment when she finally told her mom, “But you know what my mom said to me? She said, ‘What will your Cal friends think?’” Irene laughed and said this was such a good reminder that her parents love her no matter what she’s doing, and all the worry she’d had around her mom’s potential response to her new career was all in her head.
The next time you’re having a strong reaction to a situation or feeling stuck, try this question on and ask yourself “What am I hearing that’s not being said?” And then give those answers a little reality check to assess the real risk. More often than not, we’ve built up a story in our head that is unlikely to come to fruition with the full force we’re giving it.
If you could use a little more support and want to learn about how we approach development coaching to help individuals navigate major transitions in life, drop us a line at The Next Playbook to chat about your goals.
-Derika
P.S. To hear the full conversation with Irene, join us at The Next Playbook Podcast and sign up for our Newsletter to hear about new posts. You can also follow us on social media via Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn.
